The Oiler Troll’s Fantasy - Football Edition
Posted: September 6, 2005 @ 12:09 pm
Hi Everybody!
Alright, Oiler Troll is pretty confident nobody on here really would give a rat’s Jaworski as to the relationship Oiler Troll has with Oiler Trollette, but she and her girl-type-people friends did hold their fantasy draft today, and there were some fun things to observe. None of which had anything to do with a Costa Rican brothel or any of that kind of bull-Theisman, fortunately.
So, some observations about Oiler Trollette’s all female fantasy football league:
First of all - if you have the time and patience (and it takes some patience) it is a healthy thing for your relationship. Some women actually want this, as they find it a strange way to enter your world and find common ground in which to communicate. No, no, no, I am not suggesting that you go overboard and enter the Steve Christie territory that Bill Simmons of ESPN’s page 2 writes so much about (you know, guys who are Cunningham-whipped) - just be brave, encouraging, try a little experiment and see if something clicks…and have some Scotch nearby just in case things go wrong.
Things to look for - for certain girls who know aboslutely nothing about football, here is your chance to educate them…and share with them the crack pipe that is fantasy football. I cannot think of a better way to keep the relationship healthy. Oiler Trollette falls here and seems to hang on Oiler Troll’s every word as if he were the be-all/end-all football authority. Oiler Troll digs the position of superiority in the relationship…even if this be the only one. And don’t none of you Carmichaels be getting any big ideas and letting Oiler Trollette in on the open secret that Oiler Troll does not know what the hell he is talking about. Please, it is all Oiler Troll has.
For other girls, ie, those who know something about football, you get to see just how far they will take it, how competitive they really are, and get some true character traits out in the open that are better revealed during fantasy football as opposed to major life decisions (…I mean the kind that do not involved football). The league commissioner of this group (we shall call her “Katie no, Katie, not you - another Katie - Oiler Troll’s word) So Katie (seriously, not you, Katie) is this one woman and came to play - she had spreadsheets in addition to the standard FFL magazines. Normally, Oiler Troll would say, “Great”, only that was until Oiler Troll heard her team’s name - “Ball Crushers”. As Eddie Murphy once said on such matters, “Hey, hey, hey - playtime is over.”
So, to sum up, Oiler Troll has to be careful that his pontification of football to Oiler Trollette does not result in a 5 part lecture on which shoes go with which outfits for which season in which metrolpolitan areas, the Commissioner’s dude may be needing to sleep with one eye open if you know what I mean.
I’m serious Dave - I heard Katie kind of went nuts in there…no pun intended.
Other quick notes:
Smack Talk: Girls are weird. Boys may be dumb, but girls are just plain weird. This particular group of women is utilizing the Fantasy internet options, including the smack talk. Oiler Troll read such a smack talk email which concluded with this peculiar line:
“so anyway, I’m bringing the champagne, you’re bring the OJ, and Katie is making orange and blue jello shots (Broncos’ colors).”
Again, girls are weird. (And let’s not forget how Homer Simpson felt about inheriting the Denver Broncos).
Ever wonder what your draft would look like if you and your friends each filtered picks through a woman who had too many mimosas mixed with jello shots. Since every team in this league had some Cunningham-whipped consigliore, now Oiler Troll knows…which leads him to declare officially via scientific analysis - they are weird
[For this draft every girl had some guy who sent her pick lists except the girl whose boyfriend is orignially from southern California and knew nothing about football - go figure].
Comments about your friends anatomy: Um, Oiler Troll is too bashful to call out which girls in this league have have big Vermeils and which girls do not…but one of the girls in the league was not bashful at all about it. What does Oiler Troll mean here? Well, let me explain: One gal started mocking another gal for her poor draft choices. The other gal responded by saying, “Well, you know, your team could never be called [name of girl withheld] and her Super TDs” implying that her Vermeils were not very big. As if that were not bad enough, another girl chimed in and said, “[names of 2 other girls witheld] could not use that name either”. To clarify, the smack talk started between 2 people, resulted in some crass comment about Vermeil size, and then wound up insulting 2 other innocent bystander girls for their Vermeil size, so half the league is already Randy Mossed at each other. That just doesn’t happen at dude drafts.
Back to Oiler Trollette and her actual picks. Here is how she did (and I am saving the WR picks for last). (Incidentally, Oiler Trollette giggled every time she had to say Tight End - she is one of those, but we love her anyway).
She had the first pick, with which she took Peyton Manning.
RB
Julius Jones
Rudi Johnson
Stephen Davis
Reuben Droughns
Interestingly, the other members of her league made fun of her because their lists did not rank Julius Jones very highly and did not have Stephen Davis at all. Rueben Droughns she picked comepletely on her own, which also invited ridicule. Oiler Troll suggested Cadillac Williams with her last RB pick, but failed to provide her with Williams’ real first name, so she could not find him and in frustration she got Droughns. We shall see how that turns out. Â
QB
Peyton
Jake Delhomme
I don’t know how she got Delhomme out of this, but she did. KC Joyner likes him and that is good enough for Oiler Trollette. Â
K
Jason Elam
Done I believe out of spite to the Commissioner aka “Ballcrusher” who again is a Broncos fan - if so, Oiler Troll is very proud, and very impressed with how Oiler Trollette learned the essence of fantasy football - Carmichael your budy whenever possible.
TE
Jason Witten
Eric Johnson
This site is directly responsible for the Witten pick. Again, this is a southern California league and the Cowboys are getting no respect, which is sort of crazy.
Defense
Colts
Cardinals
Not sure what happened here other than Oiler Trollette liked the colors and jerseys of these 2 teams.
Now, for WR, you are going to think Oiler Troll made this up, but he didn’t, and nor was this part of some overall plan. Oiler Troll presensted Oiler Trollette with lists and rankings. Here is how WR worked out:
Drew Bennett
Derick Mason
Justin McCarrens
So yes, Oiler Trollette picked the entire receiving corps of last year’s Tennessee Oilers, aka the team formerly known as the Houston Oilers. This was an accident and clearly this is the weakest part of her team, but oh well.
So there you have it friends - a draft as filtered through girls, champagne and Bronco jello shots. It wasn’t pretty. Oiler Trollette called afterwards apparently huddled and cowering in the corner of the kitchen as the other girls made fun of how she blew #1 pick privileges, and I have to say she was probably a little tipsy. Oiler Troll could hear shouts of smack talk aimed at her. She would alternate from the kind, loving and caring voice to putting the phone down and yelling smacktalk back at the tops of her lungs like the Frances McDormond character in Raising Arizona. Oiler Troll did what he could to peersuade her that she did good - time will tell.
Sundays should prove to be interesting this year.
OT
(Oiler Troll apologizes for the excessive and foul language.)
Comments
25 Responses to “The Oiler Troll’s Fantasy - Football Edition”
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Rafael, interesting reading, however, you may have to much idle time on your hands. (LOL). What’s up with this FS we pickup up from the Chiefs. I understand Keith Davis is a hard hitter and all, but, he has zero coverage skills and this was evident in all the preseason games he played in. We must find someone to protect that vital piece of turf coverage by the FS and I didn’t like what I saw. Many will argue the point that if we put pressure on the opposing teams QB this won’t be a problem. As you know, those comes a time when the pressure on the QB won’t be enough.
I heard OLB we pickup from the Chiefs is a playmaker. I hope they are right.
Darrell,
Free safeties aren’t free. I’m not as down on Davis as you are. However, if he’s really a bust, and is the difference between the defense being playoff caliber and not, then the Cowboys will trade for one, as they did for Thomas Everett in ‘92, when it was clear Ray Horton’s legs were gone and he was holding the defense back.
Oiler Troll may be visited by a few Saint Trolls soon.
Too bad Benson is going to use the Hurricane to sell his team. That is a shame for the city of New Orleans and the NFL. I think the owners should vote to block it. Super Bowls and football and even bad football are part of New Orleans charm.
On the FS thing. My argument was all along that take a big strong CB and put him at FS. We already got Roy bringing the wood and Bierault next year. But I think one of the other corners on the roster might give us better coverage than Davis if he is in fact a bust. I saw him delivering some pretty good hits of his own, what I want to see more of from all of our secondary including Williams are INTs.
Let’s go Cowboys! Time to get it on!
Hi Everybody!
Jon - I hear you and I really hope that Benson does not do that. That city has a lot of needs, and as much of a diversion as football is, it is still a point of civic pride and can really act as an emblem of hope and consistency - relocating would just be the wrong move for many reasons.
Like most people in Texas, I have friends in New Orleans who fortunately have reported in, but via cousins and in-laws and other extended family, they had first hand accounts of - hospitals, the Superdome, the national guard and the police force. All with horror stories but I will share this one:
My friend’s sister is a doctor who stayed behind at a hospital. Collectively, the hospital staff wanted to put out a communique of hope, so somebody crawled on the roof and painted in 10 foot letters the word “Open!”.
The Saints need to keep that same spirit of hope for their people.
OT
what happened to talking about the cowboys? we just cut 15+ players, signed Peerless Price, Scott Fujita and FS Willy Pile and we are talking about girls trying to play fantasy football??? excuse me while i go and find some relevant NFL news
Oiler Troll,
I live in Virginia Beach Virginia. My best friends brother lived in Biloxi as an Air Force Officer and Doctor. He and his wife are both doctors, with a practice in Williamsburg, VA.
They took up two collections at their small Catholic Church on Sunday and packed up and headed down in a Tahoe full of medical supplies water and extra GASOLINE for when they run out. They are going down to Biloxi today. They called the Hospital and practice that she worked in. No doctor has a home to go home too, and all have been working around the clock to take care of the sick. FEMA told them not to go, but their friends in the hospital said come and bring medicine, water, and anything else.
THEY WENT!
I am in the process of asking my Church and our Diocsese to help them out as well.
The Gulf Coast needs some Saints, so we sent em a few of ours. But New Orleans sure needs to keep the ones they GOT!
Hope BENSON IS LISTENING!!!!
Confused01:
I know that anyone regularly reading this site is by definition in the “get a life” club — myself included. But really, get a life. Oiler Troll — who is not an alter-ego of Rafael, BTW — brings a little welcome variety, humor, and perspective, warped though it is, to our little Cowboy-nerd world. And I for one say that’s a good thing. And I appreciate the stories about the hurricane relief from those who offered, as well. We are, after all, a community, and there are plenty of other threads on this same site on which to talk about the Cowboys new FS or interpreting the smoke rings from BP’s farts. So don’t get your Herschel’s in a wad.
Tell’em GG!!! Oiler Troll is hillarious and i like him even thought hes a Oiler/Titan
OT, i got the same sinerio coming up today. Draft time 8pm
Cowboys #1
i would not mind if “ballcrusher” got a hold of Confused01
Morgan didn’t go to long without work, signed a one year deal with pittsburgh, sounds like a good fit for him.
ALDS — re: ballcrusher — LOL. Good one.
Hey Confused,
Want to talk about Price and Morgan? Go one thread down. Folks are talking about them there. Want to talk about the cuts and the final roster? Go one thread below that.
See any fees to use this site? When you start paying for the material here, you can dictate the content.
Troll,
Girls ain’t weird its just much more PERSONAL with them.They don’t
goof or play like us guys do with name calling ….THEY MEAN IT!!!
There is none of that banter like hey assw-pe pass the chips or
n–dled–k get me a beer while your up.It tends to happen more
when the girls don’t much about the topic at hand.
I am suprised none of the girls made fun of Trolls missing kidneys!!
A girl explained to me that when she goes into a bar the first thing
she does(and her friends) is check out the other girls(the competition)
THEN they look for guys.How many of us check out guys in a bar???
It is significant that when challenged on her picks Large TDs chose
to attack small TD’s not about the topic at hand FF but to attack her
ability to attract prospective mate.So she is saying i don’t give a rat
sa– about FF I’m hotter than you and thats what counts in the real
world………just some thoughts
Confused,
PLEASE RELAX!
I would sorely miss Troll and his sick mind. (Could it possibly be sicker than mine?)
And Yes, FEMALES ARE STRANGE! ( I still laughed my ass off though!) Who would have thought that playing fantasy football with your gal would help you to avoid marrying a Lorena Bobbit copycat.
OT:
I’m also on the teaching to my girlfriend Football wagon, but you need to remind that not only the QB’s, RB’s and TE’s are important, the WR’s also count, and that’s not a weak link, it couldn’t be weaker, of them I can only see Bennett with good numbers, Mason is on Baltimore and McCareins depends on Pennington shoulder and still I can’t see him with more that 500 yards and 5 TD’s.
And females are definitely strange… and it’s good to be a sadomasochist male.
i did not even address mr confused but glad to see some did……..
there are other things than just the Dallas Cowboys that can and do get blogged here…….
Keep it up Rafael and Raul………
and lets go Cowboys………..and lets go New Orleans Saints………….they need something too root for!!!
Hi Everybody!
GG - nice touch with the Herschel manuever. Oiler Troll thought you would appreciate the Cunningham label.
Becker - wow, good insight on the minds of the fairer sex. It takes a brave man to venture there where Angels fear to draft Cowboy RBs and WRs.
James - yes, still proudly flocked in the head over here, thank you.
Chandus - How do you tell Oiler Trollette after her first ever draft, “Dude, you Carmichaeled-up on WRs” . Picking the entire former Titans (…Oilers…) receiving corps was not part of the plan. McCareigns does get a friendly OC in Heimdeingerhiemelshcmidt being at NY, but save him for a later pick. She probably had a shot to get Reggie Wayne which upsets me.
And I can’t stress enough how cute and cuddly BallCrusher seems normally. We will let you know how things develop.
And Becker, I was trying to think of a player whose name could be substituted for ne-dle d**k. Ryan Leaf, anyone?
Ok guys, lets talk about the chargers offense. I don’t remember this team dominating anybody last year. Other than LT and the TE who stands out that might give us night mares.
OT — indeed, the Cunningham reference warmed my Walter Payton. Thank you. As for ne-dle d**k — I think Leaf is an excellent choice. But what if you have a really big one, you know, a real Romanowski?
Goldie,
Brees is a very accurate guy and he does have Keenan McCardle. I think the key is on the other side of the ball. They can slow the run down, but their secondary, for all the high picks, has not been good. Dallas might get these guys throwing, especially since the Chargers don’t have much of a pass rush and Shawne Merriman likely won’t play, even though he’s talking big about it.
Troll,
My confidence in your brilliant and moonstruck inanity will never waver!
If we on this blog are going to talk in code- we will have to publish a double-secret translation list. LOL!
As for the bolts O? With Gates out, my gues will be LT, more LT, and some more LT. If we can keep him in check there should be some opportunities to pressure the QB.
As a Louisiana native I welcome the removal of the Benson Saints. I have said it before that the ownership of that franchise has never been committed to winning. I understand that many of you are looking for something to cheer the people who have suffered so much, but I would doubt that many of them would suffer to much when the Saints Go Marching Out. Maybe the NFL will put another team in New Orleans, one with a owner who is truly interested in putting a quality team on the field. The running joke around here were I live is that during the High School championship games which are played in the Superdome, someone calls from New Orleans asking us to please come remove our high school football team because they stayed behind and are drubbing the Saints on the field.
Tommy -Thanks for your insight; it’s interesting how the national
media and national sports media could get a story so screwed
up ………but it wouldn’t be the first time and won’t be the last.
Troll- Beware of the Ball Crusher….nice as those TDs are I think
you got a look at the real BC as opposed to the”mask” she
usually wears.Remember girls learn from a young age to shall
we say “color the truth”…..oohh,ohhh Troll your splitting me in
two when your really Ryan Leaf .
Blasts from the past -Robert Brazile and one from the boys
Jesse Penn
I made some awesome Jello shots. Here is the recipe.
Name: L.S.E. (Lime, Stoli, Energy)
1-Large package Lime Jello
1 1/4-Cups of Raspberry Stoli
4-2oz bottles of 5 Hour Energy
2-Cups of water
Make the Jello with 2 cups of boiling water. Mix in the 5 Hour Energy and Raspberry Stoli. Put in plastic Shot cups and let sit overnight in the refrigerator. Great flavor with an energy boost.